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Joe, the Amazing Coding Monkey

Posted by batate on October 3, 2005 at 8:48 AM PDT

What an amazing couple of weeks. Beyond Java became generally available last week, and my pet monkey learned to code.

Monday, August 10

I’ve got to find a new pet. My old pony is too fat. I originally named him Sea Biscuit, after the race horse, but now, he’s so fat and slow, it’s almost like he swallowed two school busses. So I’ve taken to calling him Sea Bus Bus. I mean, this pony is so fat that he has to stop and rest three times on the way to get the morning newspaper off of the driveway. And fat ponies, well, they’re quite hard on the living room carpet, if you catch my drift. I’m off to the pet store...

Tuesday, August 11

I bought a new pet monkey. He’s got a mark on his chest in the shape of a coffee stain, so I call him Joe. Joe's not much to look at, but he's better than Sea Bus Bus. I’m going to sleep, but I’m a little worried about him, because he ate the computer. Hope he lives...

Wednesday, August 12

Joe can code! Maybe it has something to do with eating the computer. He can do so many of the things that Sea Bus Bus couldn’t do. Now, I don’t even have to go out to get the morning paper. Joe just hacks the Statesman site, and prints out all of the stories I want--even the ones that aren’t confirmed yet. On a whim, I walked him over to the file cabinet. It had a spider web hanging off of one of the handles. I smothered the whole thing with gravy and show it to Joe. He ate that too. I hope it works. I wonder what he’ll do tomorrow...

Thursday, August 13

Joe is coding web-enabled database applications! Weird.. He’s about the size of a small chimp now, filling out nicely. Maybe I’ll be able to ride him like I did Sea Bus Bus soon. Now, the neighbors are coming over. They’re giving him their harder coding problems. I don’t care. I can’t keep him busy enough. He’s insatiable. The more I feed him, the better he codes. Today, I fed him sixteen pies full of tiny little apples (I call them applets), three shoeboxes of photographs, seventeen CDs, and my IPod. He’s doing multimedia now. I’m off to buy some more food...

Friday, August 14

I’m pissed. Some guy named William Portal snuck into my house and cloned Joe. He even photocopied my diary and fed his monkey clone the same stuff Joe’s eaten. I’ll just have Joe eat the local University’s legal library, tell him to type up a law suit, and go to bed. Maybe it will be worth a couple billion when the dust settles...

Saturday, August 15

I can’t feed him anymore, which is OK because all of the neighbors are feeding him stuff now. Joe eats it all--I've seen a car part (I think it was a set of struts), a swing set, a cobra, a sleeping bear, my obese boss named John, and the artificial grass at Texas Stadium. I’m off to post some FUD on The Server Side about Pee Wee’s coding hamster...

Sunday, August 16

Today was Take your Pet to Work Day. You know I had to bring Joe. On the way, I stopped at Taco Bell to get Joe fifty two bean burritos and a giant cup of Starbucks coffee (he could only drink one large). I pulled up to the building, and Joe ate the whole company. I rationalized “It’s OK…I’ve been meaning to quit. Joe can support me.” Joe’s now the size of a gorilla. He’s happy, but his stomach is rumbling. Maybe the queasiness has something to do with mixing the whole enterprise, the cup of coffee, and all of those beans. Oh, well. He’s eaten worse. I’m off to buy a bigger house...

Monday, August 17

I’m a little concerned about Joe. He screwed up his first program. It was an easy problem, too--just an on-line pet store. I noticed his fingers are getting too fat. His programs work, but his fat fingers make him type way too many characters. The neighbors are getting restless too. Joe’s now got a back log of applications. I’m off to run some benchmarks for Pet Shop...

Tuesday, August 18

This thing is getting out of hand. I discovered that a group of companies has been meeting to decide what to feed Joe, but he’s my pet. I don’t dare complain, because I can’t feed him anymore. They wanted him to think in a more structured way, so they fed him the largest law firm in the world--X-pert Mega Legal. I don’t know what to think about that. Joe’s even had toilet water before, but lawyers? You are what you eat, you know? I’m off to buy a bigger house...

Wednesday, August 19

Joe and I are having problems. I told him he needs to go on a diet--he'd be better and faster if he were just a little lighter. We fought a little while. I showed him a picture of an elephant, and he took it a little too personally, you know? I cried, he cried, and we made up. He agreed to exercise and get an enema this Spring. Joe had his customary four-hour dinner, worked for five minutes on his backlog, and went to bed. His productivity has gone to pot. I haven’t been sleeping well, because Joe has been looking at me with these hungry eyes. I’m off to outsource some of Joe’s application back log to Kumar Botzwani’s pet Bengal Tiger down the street...

Thursday, August 20

I’ve had it. I can’t buy any more new houses. There aren’t any houses big enough to satisfy Joe. I’ve interviewed new pets. The coding dung beatle named Prince Harold Phillip is plenty fast, but no one wants to touch the keyboard when he’s done. Larry, the coding oyster, is fast but he codes all of his variable names and comments each in a different language, so I can’t understand his programs. My wife won’t even let the coding python into the house. I’m off to see a psychiatrist...

Friday, August 21

A puppy! What an adorable little puppy! Here, Ruby, Ruby..